I’m going to start off by admitting that this is not my proudest moment.
So, there’s a baby boom going on around me. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone. And I’m totally jealous.
I had 2 fantastic pregnancies. I felt good, I looked good, I had the cutest, quirkiest maternity wardrobe ever. I’d flaunt my belly, talk to my belly….if I could have kissed my belly, I would have. When Z was born, I very confidently said that I wasn’t done. However, in the last 11 months things have happened that make me feel like maybe we’ll be a family of 4.
Childcare sucks. It’s easily the worst part of being a working mother. I can’t tell you how frustrating and exhausting it’s been to have to find childcare for 3 hours a day. It would make no sense to put the kids in full-time daycare, but it’s impossible to find somebody who’s willing and able to watch kids for 3 hours in the middle of the afternoon.
Jason & I work opposite schedules and we’re both constantly exhausted. We never see each other and we’re both caring for the kids alone. As my friend Michelle once said “at least single parents get a weekend off once in a while”. Because of this, our house is constantly messy. It’s impossible to clean anything up while you have a baby getting into everything and a 4 year old doing everything herself (ie making a mess).
Most significant, I’m just not sure that I want to split my love among more than 2 children. I know that I WOULD be able to do it…and my love would grow, blah, blah, blah…but it was hard for me to adjust to Z. Amelia was my girl for so long…we had such a profound connection. It took me much longer to feel that “love of a parent” the second time around. (I feel it now. Don’t worry.)
So, for the most part, I’m happy with 2 kids. I love my two kids. If you’re to believe the random ladies at the supermarket, we’ve got the perfect family having one of each. Still, every so often I’ll hear a pregnancy announcement and it’ll just cut into my heart. The worst is when I feel like the parent-to-be doesn’t deserve a child. I know, horrible, but there are people who just don’t need kids (or MORE kids). I’m not saying that they’re bad parents….they just probably don’t need more kids.
I think that a lot of the time it’s that I feel jealous that they GET to have another baby. They GET to be pregnant again. As somebody said today, I COULD have another baby. The thing is…I don’t feel like I could. The stress, the money, the time. I walked away from this friend muttering “yeah, sure I could have another baby….if I didn’t have to work and if I had a cleaning lady….”. So, maybe it’s just my jealousy that I DO have to work and I DON’T have a cleaning lady. Maybe it has nothing to do with babies at all.
Like I said…..not my proudest moment.