I miss my kids.
I’m not even home and I wouldn’t be with them right now anyway….but I KNOW that they’re not home and I KNOW that I won’t be able to snuggle them when I get home. I’m blue.
Jason’s dad has been here watching the kids for the last few weeks. He was going to go home to FL for the weekend and mentioned that he could take Amelia with him. She’s spent weekends with them before, she loves hanging out with her cousins, she loves running around in their yard. Cool. But then yesterday, while I was at work, Jason called and asked what I thought about Z going too. My stomach dropped. He’s never been away from us before. He’s my BABY.
But then I thought about it and I got a little selfish. How long has it been since I’ve had a weekend to myself….since I’ve had a DAY to myself? How long has it been since I went to bed and KNEW that I’d be able to sleep in, without the threat of a blowout diaper or a little girl crawling into my bed and flinging her arms around. How long has it been since I got to sit outside in the sun and read a magazine for AS LONG AS I WANT.
Amelia was 15 months old when she spent the weekend away from us for the first time. It tore me apart, but I got through it. She was also my first child (so I was super attached) and I was still nursing (so I was super engorged). Z is almost 13 months, weaned & extremely independent. He also has a cousin the same age as him down there, so I know that my in-laws with be well-stocked with diapers and ready to chase a baby. I hate to think that I’m less-protective because I’ve done it all before but, well, I am. I think it’s natural.
So, for the most part I feel okay. It’s just the momentary feeling that I SHOULD be worrying (why am I NOT worrying????) that makes me panic. I deal with this like I deal with my fear of heights- it’s a fear, but it’s a functional fear. I feel like I need to throw up, but I still do it.
It’s not worry….I just MISS them. I LIKE hanging out with my kids. I never thought that I’d be one of those moms, but I really enjoy chilling with A & Z. They’re freakishly funny and crack me up constantly. I literally sit there watching them to see what will happen next. It’s better than “Heroes”. (Note: I’ve never actually watched ‘Heroes’ but I hear that it’s good. I just couldn’t think of a show that I watch that would sound cool and be culturally relevant.)
Last night when I got home from work and went in to snuggle with Amelia. I’d had a tough day after hearing some tragic news from home (that I won’t get into because it’s a subject of its own and I still haven’t completely processed it). I just wanted to hug my kids. I crawled into bed and just watched her sleep. I love her so much. I knew that she’d be leaving today and I wanted to drink in as much Amelia as I could. (Btw, I did the same thing with Z this morning while I was getting him dressed. I nuzzled him and bit his cheeks and told him how much I loved him. I don’t want to make it sound like Amelia got all the love…I just can’t fit in Z’s crib).
After they left with my father-in-law this morning, I just sat there for a while. Then I watched ‘The View’ (it’s been ages since I’ve watched ‘The View’ and the guy who plays Sheldon on ‘The Big Bang Theory’ was on). Then I set up my Twitter (way too late to be considered cool) and Twittered (tweeted? I’m still not sure) about how I missed my kiddos. I texted Jason and told him that I missed the kids. My mom called and I talked to her about how I missed the kids.
And then I went outside and sat in the sun and read a magazine. And, you know, it wasn’t too bad.
Tomorrow I’ll probably do practical things like clean the house and go through old toys. I might go get my hair cut. You know, boring stuff. Saturday Jason works, so the entire day in MINE. It’s supposed to be in the mid-80’s so I may just sit outside and drink pina coladas…I can’t really make any promises. Maybe that night we’ll go on a date. Going to the movies would be kind of cool…it’s be ages since we went to the movies.
It’s funny, when I tell my friends that the kids are away for weekend I get one of 2 reactions. A. “Oh wow, (3 year old kid) has still never been away from us overnight. I just couldn’t bear it.” or B. “Oh my God, that is freakin’ AWESOME! What are you going to do????” I’m sort of in the middle (as I assume most moms are if they’re really honest about it). I’m definitely bummed, but I’m a little psyched about all the possibilities of this weekend.
I miss my kids……
I wonder if I should go buy rum tomorrow…..