Feeling Exposed

Sooooo…..I’m starting to tip-toe into letting people know about my blog.  I’ll be honest, it’s freaking me out.  For months I’ve been writing a little here and there just to get my fingers moving.  I kept reading that you need to carve out time to write and that once you get into a routine you’re more apt to do it.  So, I started making a goal to write every night between 10p & midnight (and I’ll ask those of you that know me to suspend reality and ignore your knowledge of my work schedule…..).  As you can see, I’ve been doing it pretty regularly.  There have been plenty of nights that I never got around to it.  There have been a few nights that I didn’t write until I got home at night.  But, for the most part, I’ve been doing it.

Of course, even though I’ve been writing I haven’t actually been TELLING people that I’ve been writing.  A few people know….I’ve made jokes about my “secret blog” and I’ve discussed with a few fellow writers that I’ve been trying to get back into a routine…but nobody that I know actually knows where to find me.

Until now.

As most people know, I’ve completely insecure about my writing.  It’s a wonder that I actually had the confidence to major in PROFESSIONAL WRITING.  I write and it sounds good to me, and then I read somebody else’s work and it blows me out of the water and I think about how simple I sound.  (Yes, I’ve discussed this before….)

Between feeling inadequate about my writing and just feeling sort of private, I decided that I didn’t want anybody to know about my little slice of cyber-space.  I wanted to feel like I could stretch my wings a little and not have to worry about what I wrote or how it would sound or who it would piss off.  I have a tendency of going off at the mouth (or fingers, in this case) when I lose my temper.  I wanted to make sure that wouldn’t happen. 

Being private is hard.  Well…it’s hard for me.  I know that some people prefer to live their entire lives in privacy, never revealing too much, never letting co-workers or acquaintances in.  Regarding most things, I’m a pretty open book.  I like to talk.  I like to talk about myself, I like to talk about my kids, I like to tell crazy stories.  NOT telling people (and believe me, I told NOBODY) about this seemed strange.  And I caught myself several times right before I said “Today I wrote about….”

I’m not quite sure what happened, but today I decided that it was time to “go public”.  I was sitting at work & decided to check my account to see if I’d received any comments.  Of course I hadn’t.  I’ve received maybe 3 legit comments…the rest are spam that sort of seem like they COULD be real.  Seeing that big zero sort of disappointed me.  As nervous as it makes me, I WOULD like to feel that people may actually be reading and what I write might actually matter.

So, after a few minutes of thought, I added my url to my Twitter profile (@jessdemers if you’re interested).  I’m not quite ready to add it to my Facebook.  To be honest, there are several people there who aren’t actually my friends and who I don’t necessarily need reading my thoughts (although I wouldn’t stop them….I DO maintain FB friend status, if only to keep tabs on them).  Now I’m sitting here thinking of the people who I’ll tell about this.  I suppose the first should be, ahem, my husband.  Maybe then he’ll stop harassing about the time I spend on the computer AND the fact that I should be writing (although I’m not sure why he hasn’t put this together yet).  I have other friends who I know will be supportive and kind and interested in what I have to say….So I’ll tell them.  Then, eventually, word will spread and I’ll become famous and then Simplyjess will take over the world.

You know…I’m suddenly very conscious of the fact that my writing here has been slightly serious.  It’s not really what I would have expected and I don’t think it’ll be what anybody else really expects.  And I’m starting to worry that none of this has been particularly interesting.  Yikes, I hope people aren’t disappointed.  (Note to self: Add some snark)

So, here it is.  You could have scrolled back and read about all of this in the first post, but I thought that I’d let everybody in on my stream of consciousness and neuroses.

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4 thoughts on “Feeling Exposed

  1. Jessica, this post resonates deeply with me…in fact it’s the post that I wanted to write if I could muster up the courage. It IS so hard to go “public.” I just today put a link to my blog on my Facebook profile, (well, ok I buried it in info but it’s a start!) and I only did so after much deliberation. “What will my colleagues think?” “What about my friends??””…and so on and so on. I congratulate you on “going public”–it is huge:)

    Oh–and the zeros? Yes–I’ve had many. And yes–they are real ego-sappers, aren’t they?

    Well now you should at least have a 1, probably more since this is a great post–one that many, many people can relate to! 🙂 Keep writing!

  2. Jess, You are SO talented. I am so proud of you. You have it, and you have nothing to be afraid about. Just know that I knew you when. Keep writing, and giving it straight, no chaser. I love you!!

    C

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