Sleep- I miss it.
As I was leaving work yesterday morning, I realized that in the previous 24 hrs I’d achieved 30 minutes of sleep. That was it. I barely made it home (seriously, scary). When I did get home, I crashed and slept luxuriously…. for 6 hours (not nearly enough). At 2pm, I had to pick up the kids. I spent the afternoon entertaining a 4 year old and a 1 year old, making dinner and obsessing over the messiness of my house. When Jason got home I was able to lie down for 90 minute….for the first 45, Z was screaming every 3 minutes (happy screams, angry screams, whatever- they were every 3 minutes). I woke up to Amelia talking to me- and I literally had no idea what she was saying. She just kept talking. I think she was asking me something. I sat and blinked at her and still couldn’t focus on what she was saying. Then I had to get ready to go to work.
I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong. What am I missing? How am I losing hours at a time without the benefit of gaining sleep? If I’m going to be awake for unnatural amounts of time, shouldn’t I be accomplishing something more? Nothing is getting done, and I’m still short on sleep, yet I don’t even feel like I’m getting quality time with my kids (because I’m so tired and busy trying to get things done).
Jason told me during my pre-work meltdown (oh yes, there was a meltdown) that I need to let go a little and not obsess over doing housework. That would make sense if our house was immaculate and I was just a bit OCD. Unfortunately, our house right now is approaching the ‘Hoarders‘/’Intervention‘/‘Clean House’ level. I don’t know, maybe the house can’t get any worse anyway. I’d hate to risk it though.
He also told me that I need to use my weekends to relax and rest up and not stress myself out trying to do things. I’d like to think that it would help to keep some semblance of normalcy and try to see people when I can (not that I’m doing a great job so far). I’m feeling isolated enough already.
It comes down to this: I really, really want to be a supermom/superwife/superfriend/superemployee. I want endless energy to accomplish everything. I want to be able to subsist on little sleep. But I’m not, I don’t & I can’t.
I’m trying to stay positive, and most days I am, the last couple days have just kicked my ass.
99 days left…. (at least I’m in double digits)
I just need some sleep.