My Motherhood Epiphany

*Yes, I promise that I’ll stop talking about my kids.  Hopefully soon.  But 3 months since having a baby, and 2 weeks since returning to work, kids are what’s on my mind*

I have an aquaintance who is all into childbirth.  She’s a doula.  She’s on birthing message boards.  She feels comfortable giving (sometimes unsolicited) advice to any pregnant woman who will listen.  And, to prove her devotion, she’s got a whole bunch of kids.  In the interest of this staying a LITTLE anonymous, I won’t say how many…but it’s a bunch…you’d need a special car.  And word on the street is that she’s pregnant again.  (I have no problem with people having a lot of kids.  Hell, there are people I work with who think *I* have a lot of kids.  If you can provide for them and love them, then go ahead and make babies!).  I don’t know her well, I see her MAYBE once a month, but sometimes I wonder if she’s more into the process of pregnancy and childbirth than she is actually being a parent.  It’s not a dig at her parenting, she could be a fantastic parent, but this is the image that I perceive.  Anyway, this post really isn’t about her.

I was recently browsing through a message board that I followed when I was pregnant, trying to catch up with my old board-mates, and I started reading posts by women who were just finding out they were pregnant.  In the past, I’d always had “belly-envy” right after I had a baby.  Extreme jealousy that I was finished with the journey and these women were just beginning.  It’s exciting to find out that you’re pregnant and have so many possibilities ahead of you.  But this time there was just….nothing.  I’m happy for these women, and I remember that time fondly, but I’m just sort of over it.  

At some point in the recent past, there was a shift in my psyche.  I’ve reached a place in my life where I’d rather be a mother to children on the outside of my body.  I really like being a mom to my kids.  My kids talk back and bounce off walls and try me every day with their emerging personalities….and I love it.  My job now is to guide them to become their own people.  I’m happy with my little tribe.

I liked being pregnant.  Actually, I LOVED being pregnant.  I felt good.  I had a maternity wardrobe with just enough funk.  I got a kick out of amusing people with how un-pregnant I acted.  Yes, I even enjoyed people rubbing my belly.  But, by the third time around, I didn’t need to talk about it.  My life didn’t revolve around childbirth.  Maybe that should have been my first clue that something was changing.  It would probably be different if I was a doula or a midwife of something else that involved birth.  My job has little to do with medicine or babies or reproduction (nothing, actually).  I’ve got other stuff going on in my life.  I’m just ready to move on.

I’m happy to no longer be a vessel.  From now on, I’ll be a touchstone.

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Mother and Child Reunion

My kids are back!  My kids are back!

Of course, they arrived at 3p, which was precisely when I was going upstairs to get dressed for work.  I didn’t get a lot of quality time with them, but I got to see them and hug them and snuggle them for a few minutes. 

It’s crazy how old they seem.  I’ve noticed that with Amelia…when she goes away for the weekend (usually to her grandparents’ house) she always comes back looking and acting older.  It’s like she’s a tiny little adult.  And now it’s both of them…my little man and my little lady.  And, holy cow, Z has a head full of blond hair (yeah, I don’t know how I ended up with a blond kid…Jason thinks I look like his nanny).

I secretly suspect that Z started walking while he was in FL and Jason’s parents didn’t have the heart to tell us.  When he finally walks for us, we’ll all rejoice and my in-laws will all laugh behind our backs. 

I can’t adaquately express how freakishly happy I am that they’re here.  I’ll admit, it was really nice to have a weekend to myself (one word….mojitos).  And it’s not like I sat around weeping because my kids weren’t with me.  It was just….boring.  No, seriously, what the hell did Jason & I do before we had kids?  Did we seriously lie around watching TV and reading on the deck?  Yeah, it sounds good now,  but to do it it everyday?  No, that DOES actually sound kind of cool.  But, trust me, once you’re amped up by parenthood (and parenthood DOES amp your brain up) it’s only acceptable for a few days.  Then you climb the walls.

 I can’t wait to get up tomorrow and find something fun to do with the kiddos.  I may even offer to bring them to storytime at the library (and that’s saying A LOT).  Maybe it’ll be nice weather and we can just hang out outside.  Rock on!

Being a Working Mom

Childcare issues…..enough said. Why isn’t the world arranged in a way that makes raising children AND working outside the home effortless? Why does it seem like we’re all treading water?

I’ll likely write more when I’m not so blindingly upset.